No love is worth going dutch on a Big Mac

By Terry Wogan Published: 6:42PM GMT 13 Feb 2010

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Just don"t tell her they make her fat... Photo: ALAMY

With that mid-season boon to the greeting-card industry, Valentine"s Day, on us even as we speak, it"s only right and proper that we should have been inundated on an hourly basis by surveys on "What Women Want" from their loved ones on the big day. A handwritten romantic poem or letter would appear to be the ideal. Failing that, a passing compliment on the lady"s appearance, (and remember, on this day of all days the answer to the question, "Does my bum look big in this?" is always a resounding "No!") or, and this may seem a little desperate, "some lingering eye contact".

Pursuing this quaint idea of the easily-pleased woman, a good third of the females questioned said that they would be "disappointed", if asked to pay for their share of their Valentine"s dinner. For heaven"s sake woman, dump the cheapskate! No romance is worth going dutch on a Big Mac.

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However, a "relationship expert" says that while men may no longer be knights in shining armour, and damsels in distress in similarly short supply, we still crave romance. The "expert" goes on to say: "The beauty of romance in the 21st century is that it"s a blank slate. Forget about everyone else, and make Valentine"s Day work for YOU."

I thought so. It"s the answer to everything these days, even a maiden"s prayer: Me, Me, Me. And here we pause for the familiar mantra: "If you don"t love yourself, how can you love anybody else?"

Get back to the ashram, guru. Self-love or self-regard is not the same as self-esteem; it"s the opposite. Self-regard is the open door to vanity, pride, narcissism, and arrogance, so much in evidence, and indeed admired, nowadays as necessary qualities on the onward march toward "celebrity", stardom and riches.

When I was growing up, and it wasn"t during the War of the Spanish Succession, the "show-off" was a pariah, the boastful, shunned. Nobody punched the air or ripped off their shirt when they scored a goal or a try. Believe it or not, modesty was thought of as a virtue. It might be hard to prove, but I"m willing to bet that Hitler had plenty of self-regard, but little self-esteem. Indeed, I"d be surprised if we couldn"t say the same about many politicians. Or footballers. Or radio and television... but no, I"ve gone far enough. That Chinese emperor had the right idea, being followed everywhere by a eunuch, whose job it was, every time the Big Man got above himself, to whisper in the emperor"s ear: "Remember, you too are human." Might be worth a try, Simon.